Beginners guide to London

You will stand in a queue everywhere. No joke. ATM's, convenience stores, post offices, toilets, bars, bus stops, train platforms, vending machines, you name it you have to stand in it. It is just one of those things you have to accept and is now part of your everyday life so forget the days of going to do something and it taking 5 minutes, add another 10 on there buddy. Its gonna be at least 15 minutes to get that cash out.

When standing in queue expect someone to be standing behind you so far up your butt you can feel their breath on the back of your neck (unless of course you're a chav then you have the right to push in front of everyone, of course 8 month old baby must be slung under your arm for effect) And as you take that 1 step forward, asshole behind you is taking 2. This is a typical wankery attitude from your fellow Londoners who feel that if they push you far enough from behind they will get there faster. Even if theres still 20 people ahead of you. Push people push!

When riding on a bus or train it is common knowledge that you must enter the packed bus and all stand around in a pushy little bunch right near the door. Yes right near the door. Don't use your brain and move right in people, keep that pushy little bunch right near the door.

Roadwork construction in London usually flows like this. Step 1: absolutly no need for road works but we're gonna dig up big massive pot holes all along your road every 15 metres so big you could drive your car in there (note to self: these holes usually appear out of nowhere, you never seem to see anyone digging them you just wake one day and they're all along your road.) Step 2: Place big orange cones around the dangerously large potholes, chuck a few planks and signs with arrows up, sometimes if your really lucky they might put a temporary traffic light structure in place turning your 2 way street into a 1 way street. Step 3: Now leave these pot holes with all their crap around them out there, unattended for at least 6 months. Step 4: return in the middle of the night 6-8 months later, clear all arrows, lights and planks, fill hole back up with dirt and leave. The residents of the area would have been inconvenienced for months and not have a clue why. Neither do London road construction, its all about digging big holes, leaving them there for months and then filling them back up. Very productive these Londoners.

Transport for London has the right to increase your tube ticket by 200% a year to increase better service needs. Never mind 8 out of 20 tube lines in London are usually down on any given day with BAD SERVICE and TFL also has the right to shut down all your tube lines into the city from your house on your only 2 days off a week, the weekend, just cos theyre really considerate like that.

Expect Heathrow Injection. You will drink your body weight in alcohol 3 times over every week for the first 6 months your in London. That's gotta do some damage.

Customer Service are 2 words that don't belong together in this country. The most you should expect from any attendent in any customer care environment is "hand out for money followed by change and reciept given...oh and plastic bag, must put everything even if its a 5c lollie in a big plastic bag". No smiles, no chat and defintily no eye contact.

  Enjoy your stay!